Here's How To Support Your Partner Dealing with Vaginismus
It’s Friday night. You’re worn out and weary from the week and just need a little TLC from your partner... and then some.
You both desire to feel closer and you start to get into the mood. As you two start to move toward more intimate acts, you feel your partner start to get more tense.
Or maybe you’re attempting penetration but it immediately triggers a cry of pain from them.
They’re hurt, sad, and racked with guilt. You’re also hurt, sad and racked with guilt, more so because you feel like you caused your partner pain. Plus, you’d been looking forward to having sex and it’s definitely off the table now.
What a night, you say to yourself, as you curse the day you heard of the word “vaginismus.”
But wait. What if I tell you it doesn’t always have to be like this? Before we go any further though, let’s understand what vaginismus is.
What Is Vaginismus
Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of the pelvic muscles. This prevents or makes it extremely difficult for any object such as a tampon, finger, speculum, sex toy or penis to be inserted into the vagina.
Vaginismus can be primary or secondary. Primary vaginismus is when penetration has always been difficult whereas secondary vaginismus is when penetration was previously possible but due to some circumstances, it becomes painful.
Causes of Vaginismus
The causes of vaginismus vary but studies have shown that common causes include:
1. Anxiety
Anxiety of all kinds can cause vaginismus. It could be fear of what to expect, pregnancy, or even being emotionally vulnerable. These fears seep into the subconscious of folks dealing with vaginismus and cause the vaginal muscles to tighten, sometimes even before penetration occurs.
2. Past Sexual Trauma or Unplesant Experiences
Sexual abuse and trauma affect a person in so many areas of their lives including their sexual relationships. So it makes sense that if they had a previous negative sexual encounter, they develop a fear of future encounters and their bodies react negatively to any form of penetration.
3. Infections, Skin Disorders, or Nerve Inflammation
Sometimes folks dealing with vaginismus could be dealing with some form of STI or other recurrent vaginal infections. They might also be dealing with skin conditions or nerve inflammation that caused the skin to be SUPER sensitive. With such irritated tissues, the body goes into protection mode: it creates a possible cycle of discomfort or pain on the tissues which causes the muscles to spasm in a protective way (aka to keep things away from touching the irritated skin).
4. Beliefs
Some beliefs view sex as dirty and shameful. Growing up with this belief can lead to anxiety about sex and as a result, vaginismus develops. Living in a conservative or sex-negative culture or community can also contribute to this.
How To Support Your Partner with Vaginismus
If your partner is dealing with vaginismus, chances are that they’re feeling guilty, torn, angry, or even depressed.
You don’t want to be another burden for them but instead, be a shoulder that they can rely on. Here’s how you can go about this:
1. Educate Yourself
The fact that you’re here reading this is a good first step! One of the best ways to offer support is to come from a place of understanding which can only be truly possible if you’re knowledgeable about the topic.
If you want to learn more about vaginismus, its treatments, and some of the things your partner experiences that they feel they don't want to bother you with, you can start from our website or our YouTube Channel. We have great resources to help you in this journey.
2. Be Communicative
You’ve heard it before and you’re going to keep hearing it again - communication is
key. It’s especially important in your sexual relationship with your partner.
Communicating before and after sex can help both of you understand what feels good for you both. It also builds trust and establishes boundaries which are so important in learning how to navigate sexual intimacy without hurting your partner.
I also want to stress just how crucial it is to communicate with your partner during sex. You will need to ask their consent multiple times to try out something new or else you could cause them pain. Always ask.
It’s really helpful to have these kinds of conversations outside of the bedroom first, so you aren’t taking yourself out of the sexy moments if you need to ask clarifying questions or discuss something further.
Our Effective Communication Formula is something I teach at length to help partners with this!
3. Go At Your Partner’s Pace
Being supportive of your partner means being willing to empathize with them and
this can come in the form of matching your partner’s pace.
Maybe you’re into fast sex. Consider changing the pace if you find that your partner will like to go slower as it allows them to ease into the mood.
It might also be matching their pace even before the clothes come off! Maybe they just want to make out and that’s it. Learning how to enjoy those moments without pressure is so crucial to helping your partner’s body feel more comfortable with penetration eventually.
Whichever pace your partner sets, follow it. Enjoy it. Be creative and make the best of it – we go really in-depth with this in our programs and partners find it incredibly helpful!
4. Get Creative In Bed
Contrary to popular belief especially as seen in the media, “sex” does not mean
“penis-in-vagina” (PIV) sex only. Sex is anything you want it to be that is, well, sexual.
Because penetrative sex may not always be an option in your relationship, you’ll need to get creative. Oral sex, manual stimulation, and bondage are examples of sexual activities you can explore.
Another fantastic option to explore is sensate focus. This article by the Sexual Medical Society of North America goes into it in more detail.
In our programs, we break down steps like this similarly, but we tailor them specifically to vaginismus and vulvodynia conditions.
5. Be Encouraging And Patient
Since your partner is very likely to be feeling down, you have to step up and be their source of encouragement.
Here are ways you can do that:
I. Help Out With Their Physical Therapy
If your partner is already treating the vaginismus, then they’re probably practicing physical therapy exercises such as vaginal dilation. Helping your partner out is a huge sign of encouragement and can also breed intimacy.
Remember to go with your partner’s pace but don’t forget to make it something fun and loving between just you two.
II. Try To Go With Them For Their Medical Appointments
A lot of folks dealing with vaginismus are shy about admitting it or even going to the hospital. Work with your partner to overcome this shyness by volunteering to go with them to their medical appointments.
III. Provide Positive Support And Feedback
Focus on the feedback and support you give your partner. Sometimes the little things go a long way.
For example, instead of saying ‘why haven’t you done your dilation today?’, replace it with ‘I know you have a lot on your plate, is there any way you want me to help today?’. The difference between these two is vast as the first sounds accusatory and could leave your partner feeling guilty while the second is much more supportive.
Remember that your partner is human and could slip up sometimes like missing a day of dilation for some reason or the other. Work with them through it instead of guilt-tripping them because believe me, they really want to overcome this vaginismus more than you do. It’s their body after all.
IV. Don't Keep Asking When They'll Be Able To Have PIV Sex
‘Can we have sex yet?’, ‘can we have sex now?’, ‘are you ready to have sex now?’ ‘it’s been X number of days since we’ve had sex’. None of these questions will instantly treat your partner’s vaginismus.
Remember that you’re working at their pace not yours so let them tell you when they’re ready.
V. Don't Blame Them
If you have read up to this point, then you know that your partner has at one point or is currently blaming themselves for their vaginismus. They already feel guilty and will be more than happy to have sex ‘the way others do’.
But they aren’t able to do so through no fault of their own and you shouldn’t blame them. Whether through passive-aggressive comments, snide remarks, or questions, don’t blame them for their vaginismus. It only serves to make them even more hurt and anxious thereby slowing down any progress they may have achieved.
VI. Don't Take It Personally
Seriously, don’t take it personally. For you and your partners’ sakes.
If you take it personally and feel your partner can’t have sex with just you, you risk losing your confidence in your abilities and this could impact your sexual performance.
Also, taking it personally makes it about you and not your partner which is bad for your relationship. It’s no one’s fault vaginismus is a part of your relationship, but you BOTH can be part of the solution!
VII. Don’t Get Discouraged
It may seem like your partner’s treatment of vaginismus may not be working and you may never get to have penetrative sex. But you shouldn’t be discouraged. The treatment of vaginismus is not a one-day thing because it takes time, effort, and commitment from you and your partner.
Additionally, partners of folks with vaginismus sometimes report having low sex drive and erectile variabilities themselves due to a range of reasons. The thing is, this can definitely be avoided if you take the steps outlined above.
Exploring different sexual activities and not taking your partner’s vaginismus personally can prevent both of these two problems above (low sex drive and erectile variabilities) from occurring.
VIII. Meet With A Sex Therapist or Painful Sex Specialist
Sex therapists & Clinic-Coaches are trained to understand the ins and outs of situations like these. You can speak with a professional sex therapist to understand how better to support your partner and meet them where they're at.
It can also be beneficial to meet with a specialist together with your partner to treat vaginismus. If you’re unsure about how to go about this, contact us by clicking here.
Dealing with vaginismus can be hard but so is being the partner of someone dealing with it. But we want to let you know that your relationship doesn’t have to be dull and boring because of it. Quite the contrary because it makes you more creative! It also helps you and your partner become more aware and to explore your sexualities.
We really can’t wait to hear the good news soon. Rooting for you!
