Can Healthy Boundaries Empower You to Release Toxic Guilt?
Your friend wants to plan a day out together. It sounds like fun and you could use a break. But a whole day? Who has time for that? You’ve got deadlines at work, your kids have practice and recitals, the dog has a vet appointment, and your partner’s birthday is coming up. You just don’t have the time.
Your friend knows how busy you are. They’ll understand. So why do you feel so guilty?
Because saying “no” is hard. Especially when the other person fully expects a “yes”. But setting healthy boundaries is a great way to avoid stress and guilt.
Do you say yes to avoid confrontation?
At the moment, it seems like the easy way out. If you just say “yes” everyone will be happy. And you don’t have to feel guilty about saying “no”.
But then you have to do the thing. During an already hectic week, your parents called and said they want to come for the weekend. You truly cannot cram one more thing into this week. And as much as you love them, every visit is physically and emotionally draining. But you said “yes” anyway.
Your toddler has been screaming for an hour because they want cookies for dinner. You know this is a terrible idea. The sugar will ramp them up even more and bedtime routines are difficult enough without the added energy. But you just want a moment’s peace, so you give in.
What’s for dinner tonight? The fam decides it’s Chinese food… again. Isn’t that the 3rd time this week? You can’t fathom the sight of one more egg roll. But you’re the single holdout. Everyone else is excited and you don’t want to disappoint them. So you grab your chopsticks and dig in.
What does setting healthy boundaries with your kids, your parents, and your friends have to do with your sex life? Everything!
Healthy boundaries in the bedroom
Feeling guilty about saying “no” touches every aspect of your life. What about the next time your partner wants to try that thing in bed?
If you have a hard time saying “no” to:
Weekend visits from your parents
Cookies for dinner
All-day plans with the girls
Chinese food… again
Are you going to say “no” to the love of your life when things get uncomfortable in the bedroom? Probably not.
If you’ve always struggled to say “no”, don’t worry. You can absolutely learn to set healthy boundaries. It’s not as scary as you may think.
Step 1: Figure out how you feel. That may seem obvious. But if you always say “yes” to everything, your response is automatic. You’re probably not checking in with yourself before you respond. So the next time someone asks you to do something:
Check-in with your body
Notice sensations
Decide if it has a flavor of “unpleasant”
If your feelings are neutral, you may decide to go for it. But you can still set healthy boundaries. Just because you’re willing to try something doesn’t mean there aren’t any rules and everything goes.
What if you’re asked to do something, you check in with yourself, and the answer is “hell yeah”?! It’s still important to keep an awareness of what’s happening in your body. This will help you enjoy the experience even more. And if something changes and you start to feel uncomfortable, you’ll know right away.
Avoid guilt when the answer is “no”
What if your partner asks you to do something, you check in with yourself, and the answer is “heck no”?
You don’t feel comfortable
It hurts
You feel anxious
You’re scared
But that means you have to face the equally scary possibility of saying “no”. I get how hard that is, especially when your partner is really into it. You don’t want to disappoint them.
Would it be easier to just suck it up and go along with it? It can’t be that bad, right?
Actually, it is. We count on our partners to make us feel safe physically and emotionally. They are the person we can be vulnerable with. So doing things with your partner that are uncomfortable or painful can damage your relationship’s health because you abandon yourself in the process.
And allowing yourself to be in situations you aren’t comfortable with has consequences for you too. You may feel:
Regret
Frustration
Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Fear
You deserve to have pain-free and anxiety-free intimacy. Even if you’ve struggled to set boundaries in the past, I can help you learn how.
Many people freeze when they’re asked to do something. They think that the choice is to say “yes” (and do something they don’t want to do). Or say “no” (and disappoint the person expecting a “yes”). But those aren’t the only 2 options.
The secret is to offer alternatives
In my program, I’ve developed a system to help you offer easy and accessible alternatives. What can that look like for you?
Think about your friend that wants an all-day spa getaway. At first, you thought your choice was to say “yes” (and deal with the missed deadlines, rescheduled appointments, etc) or say “no” (and now your friend thinks you don’t care about her).
But what if you offered a third option? Tell her how amazing that sounds and how much you wished you could do that. Explain that your week is hectic, but how about lunch on Thursday at her favorite place? Your treat.
It’s a win-win. You get to spend time with your friend without blowing up your week. And you’re both happy to squeeze in a quick lunch date to catch up.
So how can you offer Option 3 in the bedroom? The next time your partner says, “hey, wanna do that thing?” Remember that you have more than 2 options. It’s not a choice between doing the thing that makes you uncomfortable or disappointing your partner.
Try saying, “I’m not in the mood to do x right now. But you know what would be incredible? If we…”
You’ll both be able to enjoy your time together. No one is uncomfortable or in pain. You don’t feel guilty because you didn’t disappoint them. And you can do something that’s pleasurable and satisfying for you both.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is challenging. But it’s absolutely worth it. Think about the stress, anxiety, and guilt you won’t feel anymore. You’ll have better relationships with your friends, your kids, and your partner. Because you won’t be on edge every time they ask you to do something.
If your life would improve with healthy boundaries in place, I’d love to help. I’ve taught many of my clients how to let go of guilt and improve their relationships. And I can help you too. Check out my website to get started today.
