4 Surprising Ways Vaginismus Impacts More Than Just Your Sex Life

How vaginismus affects your mental health

What does vaginismus have to do with your mental health? Everything. Many patients experience a wide range of negative emotions from fear and anxiety to struggles with self confidence and self esteem.

It’s kind of a chicken and the egg situation… which came first? The vaginismus symptoms of pain and burning… or the paralyzing fear and debilitating anxiety that are so much a part of the same problem. They often feed off each other. You feel more pain so you’re more anxious. And your anxiety actually heightens your pain. And on and on it goes.

But on the flip side, finding pain relief can dramatically improve your mental health. Women and vulva owners who find answers and relief feel empowered, and not just when it comes to their health. These patients often feel emboldened to go after that promotion, put their ideas out there, speak up for themselves at work and at home, and report being more assertive about their needs in general. That’s amazing!

Challenges with family planning

Another issue many vaginismus patients face is with family planning. For some women, vaginismus patients are unclear why or how their symptoms started. Depending on the severity of their pain, many patients aren’t able to have penetrative sex at all, and it keeps them from so much in their lives -- like trying to have children. This causes so much suffering for couples. 

And if you’re not in a relationship, and have difficulty inserting anything vaginally, how are you supposed to approach dating or looking for a partner? Never mind thinking about starting a family with someone.

For others, their vaginismus symptoms started after the birth of a child. It’s not uncommon for women to experience physical or psychological trauma during childbirth. They may have experienced tearing or damage to their pelvic floor muscles.

If childbirth was related to the onset of your vaginismus symptoms, it can be really scary to think about expanding your family. Even if you really want another child, wrapping your head around the process and worrying about exacerbating your symptoms can be a huge obstacle. 

Struggling with a health issue like vaginismus doesn’t mean you want to put the rest of your life on hold, including your plans to start a family. And you shouldn’t have to.

Not in the mood?

If you have pain and anxiety around sex, that makes it really tough to get in the mood. Many vaginismus patients experience a dramatic reduction in their sex drive. And that’s totally understandable. If you have all these negative emotions around sex, how are you supposed to get your head in the game and get your sexy on?

If you experience painful sex, your brain is already on high alert way before you even get to the bedroom. You probably start tensing up with just a little cuddling or kissing. Even a simple “I love you” sends your brain into fight or flight mode -- as if a rhinoceros is charging at you!

I know you’re thinking, hey, I just want an evening of romance with my favorite person. It’s not like I’m actually getting attacked by a rhinoceros. True, but your brain’s defense mechanisms are working just as hard to protect you either way. 

So whether it’s trying to get you out of the path of an angry rhino… or protecting you from the trauma of yet another painful sexual encounter… your brain goes on alert whenever it senses danger.

When your fight or flight system is activated, it basically turns off anything else. We’ve all been there, right? Something happens that creates an adrenaline rush. And when the moment passes, you realized you bruised or cut yourself. Why weren’t you aware of the pain in the moment? Because your brain sensed danger and “turned off” everything it considered non essential to getting you out of that situation. Once the danger passed, all systems were “on again” and you realized you had an injury.

The same thing happens when you have vaginismus or other types of pelvic pain. Your brain has already registered sex as “danger.” So it reacts to sex (or other things leading up to sex) and activates your fight or flight response. This means that everything else is turned off - including arousal.

The good news is that you can retrain your brain. There are proven scientific methods to make new pathways in your brain. Translation? Your brain can learn that sex is not dangerous and is actually good. It can disconnect the fight or flight reaction to sex, which opens the door for arousal again. Hello sexy time!

Impacts on your relationships

Many women and vulva owners with vaginismus struggle to maintain healthy relationships. Of course there’s a lot more to your partnership than great sex. But vaginismus affects couples in so many ways unrelated to the bedroom.

Many women report feelings of shame with their partner. They say things like, ‘I always feel like I’m letting him down.’ Because even the most supportive and patient partners get frustrated with the situation. And your partner has their own spectrum of negative feelings too. They may be afraid to hurt you, or have their own anxiety about what this means for your future together.

Both of you may be worried about how this affects your ability to plan a family together. And pain or no pain, you both have needs that are probably not being met. That creates a lot of frustration and sadness. Even if the woman or vulva owner is the one experiencing painful sex, this affects both of you in a lot of ways.

Struggling with these issues long term often ends in broken relationships. When there are no answers, it’s hard to see a path forward. And unfortunately these feelings are validated by the inadequate response offered by many health experts. Most of them are just not trained to give helpful advice on these topics.

But there are sexual health experts that understand the mind body connection. They have extensive training in pelvic pain treatment and trauma therapy. Because vaginismus isn’t just about sex. It’s also about your mental health and how it affects your daily life at work and at home. Vaginismus can shape what your family looks like, and even how you think about yourself.

So if you’re ready to take the next step in your pain relief journey, check out my free 4 day online course. You’ll learn the same techniques I teach to my private clients. You deserve to live pain free. And I’m happy to show you how.