Paralyzed by Sex, Anxiety, and Stress? Winning Strategies to Find Relief

Why sex anxiety and stress may be holding you back

Woot woot! That special person came into your life and you’re all butterflies and rainbows. Just being near them makes your day better.

They’re exactly what you always wanted and every minute is magic… except in the bedroom. Your relationship is so amazing. Emotional intimacy makes you feel grounded in a way you didn’t think was even possible… so why does sex cause anxiety and stress?

There could be a lot of reasons… and none of them are about your relationship or your partner. It’s so easy to start wondering if you’re really compatible or if they’re not the right one for you. But usually, something else is to blame.

Maybe you had a bad experience in a previous relationship. Did a former partner (or trusted person in your life) not respect your needs, making things feel unsafe? Or maybe your family just didn’t have the best boundaries, or expected too much from you? Do you identify as a perfectionist or a high achiever? If you answered yes to any of these, it makes total sense to feel anxiety and stress around sex.

Did you grow up with negative ideas about sex and sexuality? Were you told that sex was bad or dirty? So many of us grow up with cultural or religious influences that shape how we feel about sex.

Now that you’re an adult in a healthy relationship, it’s not always easy to just flip the switch to being sex positive in your mind and body. Your brain and body have deeply encoded neural pathways that have registered sex negatively. This makes it hard to relax and enjoy intimacy with your partner. In fact, it often leads to sex anxiety and stress.

How are sex avoidance and anxiety intertwined?

If you have anxiety around sex, you may be avoiding your partner in ways you don’t even realize. Physical intimacy is about so much more than sex. Your partner reaches out to hold your hand or steal a kiss. How do you react?

If sex avoidance and anxiety are looming over your relationship, you pull away. It’s not a conscious decision, and you may have no idea you’re doing it. But your partner definitely does. And whether they tell you or not, the rejection hurts.

What are some telltale signs you’re avoiding sex and physical intimacy because of anxiety? You tell yourself, “I’m too busy to cuddle right now.” “The kids need me.” “I have a lot on my plate today, maybe later.” “These dishes aren’t going to wash themselves”. You realize you’re more touchy-feely with the cat than with your partner.

So how does your partner respond? Even if they understand the reason behind your anxiety and sex avoidance, they’ll probably back off. Rejection is hard to deal with, especially from someone you love.

It’s easier to stop trying, and  instead they might wait for you to “be in the mood” or “make the first move”. But if neither of you initiates physical intimacy, that doesn’t just mean less sex. It’s also less cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. 

And less physical intimacy leads to less emotional intimacy. What starts out as a little hesitancy and sex avoidance due to anxiety can end up driving a wedge between you. For most people, there’s a definitive reason for their anxiety. Let’s look into the most common one.

Do you experience pain and anxiety around sex?

Does sex hurt, especially penetrative sex? Then it’s totally normal to feel anxiety.

Ok, so what’s causing your pain? Honestly, it could be any number of things. Maybe you just had a baby (congratulations!). Or you’re going through “the change”. Some prescriptions affect libido and make sex painful. Taking birth control can actually trigger problems in the vulvar tissue, and inflame nerves endings. And certain types of infections or other gynecological issues may be the culprit.

So you’re thinking ok, my doctor and I will just go through things, pinpoint the issue and fix it, right? The answer is maybe. It would be great if it were that simple, and sometimes it is, but not always.

What else may be going on? Painful sex may be linked to a history of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. Of course, not everyone that suffered abuse ends up having painful sex. But if there is something like that in your past, it could be a piece of the puzzle.

Your mental and emotional health also play a role here. Do you struggle with depression and/or anxiety? Not only does it impact all things libido, arousal, and desire… it can actually cause pain during sex.

If you’re experiencing anxiety, you might also have tight muscles (“vaginismus”) which can reduce blood flow to your genitalia limiting arousal possibilities, and also compress vulvar nerve endings which inflames them causing pain when touched, and sometimes even when there’s no external friction (this is called “unprovoked vulvodynia”).

So when you experience pain you feel anxiety. And anxiety actually amplifies your pain, which makes you more anxious. Aahh! Pain, sex, and anxiety are often all rolled into one big ball of frustration and stress.

If this is how you feel, I totally get it. Because I struggled with many of these same issues for years. But there is good news.

Where to find painful sex and anxiety relief?

So you’re struggling with stress, frustration, anxiety, fear, and pain related to sex. Is relief even possible? Absolutely!

I get why it’s hard to believe. Because if you’re anything like me, you’ve already been to a bunch of different doctors. And their answers usually range from unhelpful to downright ridiculous and insulting. Ugh! It’s so frustrating. I mean, they’re supposed to guide you and offer solutions.

That was my story for years: being passed from doctor to doctor with no answers and no relief. The truth is, many of them haven’t had the training to fully understand these issues and help their patients navigate the path to wellness.

And it usually takes several people working as a team to find the relief you deserve. Are you working with a gynecologist that understands these issues? Great! Maybe you’re working with a physical therapist as well. Their guidance is especially helpful because they can show you exactly what areas need attention and how to relax those muscles that have been trying to protect you from anticipated pain.

These providers often treat the physical aspect of these issues, which is really important. But the mind-body connection is so strong, especially when it comes to your sexuality. So working with a sex therapist that’s had specialized pelvic pain training can help you heal more quickly.

To learn how to speed up your pain relief journey, check out my website. There is reason for hope because there are answers. A pain-free life and yes, even pleasurable intimacy is possible. I’d love to help you get there.